goodbye October

having cramps as i write here. lying on the bed, feeling pain from the abdomen right down to my left foot. A soury achy cramp.

I decided to start writing again cause I realise how it helped me to pen my thoughts and feelings down at some point in life. There are some things i don't really want to remember, so no that's not the purpose of me writing. But trashing it out somewhere somehow helps to give me closure of some sort. And allows me to move on. But well of course there are other happy things that I write about are things i truly wish to remember, things I can look back upon and reminisce on my youth and maybe foolishness.

October was, now looking back, full of pain. You know the feeling of when you have it its happiness, now looking back... Its all painful. I dunno. Or was it? The equal amount of joy felt back at that instant now translates to double the amount of pain right now. But of cos not everything's lost. Through this loss, I felt so much love showered on me. Love that I probably forgotten during peace times, love I've taken for granted every single day. I was in pain, probably in a way nobody else could comprehend, but my lovely friends, family, husband did all they could to tide me through. I really couldn't ask for more. If you are reading this, you know who you are. Really. Thanks so much. You made it so much less painful for me knowing im not alone.

But this is life. At the end of the day you have to face it. Acknowledge it. Feel the pain. Feel the hurt. Am I really Ok now? I don't know. Random thoughts come by every once in awhile. Questions pop up - why, why, why?? Every now and then. I get reminded of the fact that yes dear, you miscarried, every day, in one way or the other. Every time someone asks me now "when you having kids?" The question can't be perceived in the same light ever. I'm not afraid of judgement. I did nothing wrong. But I encountered a loss. It pains me. I don't know if its because of anything I did wrong. Maybe I don't want to know even. Cos the truth is never easy. So Ok la, I don't want to know. But thoughts still run wild. Like now. All over the place.

I'm moving on, accepting the fact as I'm going through my abortion. Going through a mini confinement. Drinking ginger, red date drinks, observing dietary restrictions like a just delivered mummy. Heeding instructions of the learned elderly, blindly. Just eat and eat. Don't wash hair so often. Sigh. But the act of going through all these only serves to remind me of the loss. I have to continue to seek TCM treatment to restore my body. I might need to see gynae again to ensure my body is ready for next conception when it happens. It feels like I'm labelled for life. That I once miscarried and have to go through all these. Maybe im thinking too much. Dont mistake me. 我并没有嫌烦。in fact i feel very grateful for my mother in law cause she has been taking so much effort for these extra preps. and of cos my mummy for splurging on the tonics and advice on how to take care of myself.

But its gone to the stage where.... I just dowan to think anymore. just do. i stopped looking forward. im scared. in the past month i look forward to the end of each week. look forward to ewch gynae visit. but i didn't receive good news every time. 我怕了。i dont knoe what tomorrow brings. i don't know when i cam recover. it seems that my body needs to recover before my mind can. if not, everyday ill need to be reminded to take extra care of myself because ive miscarried. unless the day comes when I've grown numb to this message.

just realised ive written a very self centered post. focused all the emotions and things im going through on myself alone. see, sometimes this is why writing helps. helps me put things in perspective.  maybe i shoyld focus on myself less. maybe that will make me feel better quicker.

for one, i know it has been really hard on YW too. He's stayed very strong and always been there as my pillar of support. if anything is to be gained from this episode, its really the revelation of what a good man I've married. i count my blessings every minute and really wonder what I've done to deserve him. sometimes i feel so bad for being such a wreck on certain days and i know it drags his moods down too. but he's been there solid all the time and even when he's visibly upset,  he never fails to be there for me. dear, thanks so much. for everything.